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1.26.2006
  Wie der Staat sich selber fickt
Ein Besuch beim Zahnarzt ist eine feine Sache. Vollbusige Zahnarzthelferinnen mit massenweise Gummis in der Hand reiben ihre Euter an Dir. Aber leider nur, wenn du Privatpazient bist. Eine Analyse...
Wer meine Fresse kennt, weiß, dass es ein ganz schönes Stück von meinen Lippen bis zu meinen Backenzähnen ist. Und da ich nur begrenzte Freude an Selbst-Fisting habe und Zahnbürsten nicht wie Kondome in XXL- oder Kingsize-Format hergestellt werden, konnte sich jenseits der Reichweite meines Hygiene-militärischen Bürstenarmes eine kleine Truppe terroristischer Bakterien in den schwer zu durchsuchenden, zerklüfteten Tälern des entlegenen Backenzahngebirges einnisten und ein für meine körpereigenen Truppen scheinbar völlig unzugängliches Höhlensystem errichten.
Ne nettere Umschreibung dafür, dass meine Fresse von innen fault und ich zur Zeit aus dem Hals stinke wie Hitler fiel mir bisher nicht ein. Da man das selber kaum merkt, und weil keiner in meinem Kopf die über den gehirninternen Sender Aldi Dschasira gesendeten Videobotschaften von ein paar durchgeknallten Bakterien ernst genommen hat, hatten die richtig Zeit, sich eine Basis zu schaffen.
Als die dralle Zahnarzthelferin ihre verkehrsbereiten Knospen sanft über meine Wange streichelte, um mich gefügig zu machen, konnte ihre hochmoderne Spionage-Spiegeltechnik aus großer Höhe den Unterschlupf der Mikro-Islamisten orten. Noch während des Spiegel-Überflugs über das Zielgebiet werteten ihre weichen C-Körbchen-Wunder das Gesehene aus und erklärten mir bebend und sich aufrichtend, dass ich da ein Loch hätte. Der Chef – ich wusste erst nicht ob sie Gott oder den Amerikanischen Präsidenten, oder ob das inzwischen das selbe war, meinte, würde sich gleich darum kümmern. Da müsse man vermutlich bohren.
Kein Problem, dachte ich. Nur die heimtückische, feministische Erfindung des Begriffs „Vergewaltigung“ hatte mich bislang davon abgehalten, dich ausgiebig zu bohren, meine Zuckerschnecke. Leider stellte sich heraus, dass sie mit „Der Chef“ ihren Chef und damit den Zahnarzt des Hauses meinte.
Meine Erektion verschwand so schnell aus meiner Hose wie ihr draller, lüstern schaukelnder Arsch aus dem Türrahmen. „Da müssen wir wohl eine Füllung machen“ ächzte der überlastet wirken wollende Dentalmediziner, was aus seinem Mund nicht mal halb so gut klang wie aus ihrem, und für eine Sekunde schienen die Worte „Sechs Komma Achtfacher Satz“ in seinen Augen zu leuchten. Man stelle sich das mal in anderen Berufsgruppen vor – ein Beamter, der in den zwanzig Sekunden am Tag, wo er einen Stift oder eine Tastatur in die Hand nehmen muss, sofort den fünffachen Stundensatz verlangt. Oder eine Sekretärin, die für „sinnlos Nägel lackieren“ den einfachen Satz, für Kaffee bringen den vierfachen und für sich kurz mal durchficken lassen den zwölffachen Satz abrechnet – ein abscheuliches Szenario.
„Eine Füllung, aha.. was gibt’s denn da für Möglichkeiten?“ höre ich mich abgelenkt sagen, als die Dralle wieder mit wippenden Rundungen an der Glastür vorbei gleitet. „Nun“ fängt der Arzt an, „da Sie Kassenpatient sind“ – er hält sich kurz die Faust vor den Mund, um seinen Brechreiz zu unterdrücken - „kommen nur Amalgam oder Kunststoff in Frage.“ Amalgam, denke ich, taucht in meinem Gedächtnis zusammen mit den Begriffen Aderlass, Quecksilber, Gift, Castortransport und Alice Schwarzer auf – ich kann nicht fassen dass es das noch gibt. Er spricht weiter.
„Amalgam ist hässlich, dünstet über die Jahre hinweg hochgiftiges Quecksilber aus, das Sie einatmen. Nach allerspätestens fünf Jahren fällt die Plombe raus und Sie verschlucken sie. Dadurch bekommen Sie eine Leberzirrhose, falls Sie bis dahin noch keine haben. Die schweren Nierenschäden zwingen Sie dann zur Dialyse. Amalgam kostet achtzig Euro, zahlt aber die Kasse.“ Eine kurze Pause entsteht.
„Äh…und Kunststoff?“
„Kunststoff ist ungiftig, hält hundertvierzig Jahre, sieht fast aus wie Zahnschmelz und kostet hundertzwanzig Euro.“
„Also, da die Kasse achtzig Euro übernimmt, noch vierzig für mich?“
„Nein, Kunststoff ist zu teuer, deswegen bezahlt die Kasse es gar nicht, auch nicht anteilig.“
„Hab ich das richtig verstanden? Eine neue, gesunde, haltbarere, minimal teurere Technik wird völlig boykottiert, während ein Füllstoff, der mich garantiert zum Stammgast in der überteuerten Medizintechnik macht und
Linkdie Kassen mittelfristig viele tausend Euro kostet, voll unterstützt wird?“
„Ganz exakt.“... Wieder eine Pause.
„Ist das finanzpolitisch nicht ungefähr so, als würde man alle gängigen Schmerzmittel selbst bezahlen müssen, Heroin würde aber von der Kasse übernommen, egal, wie viel man davon will?“
Offenkundig war das nicht Teil seines Schnellreichwerden-Studiums, und die Denkanstrengung schien seine Mimik in einer Art Superzeitlupe zu gefrieren. Während er nachdachte, sah ich, wie die Dralle mit einer Packung Kondome, einer Kingsize-Zahnbürste und einem älteren Herren in einem Raum mit Blick- und Schalldichter Türe verschwand, auf der „Privatpatienten“ stand.
Ein Glück, das wenigstens der total deregulierte Kapitalismus die Frauen noch zur Vernunft bringen kann, seuftze ich gedankenverloren. (foz)
 
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